About the author:
Descended from old English money, Vidicon was raised by spiny echidnas in the mountainous rainforests of the North American Southeast. Lured back to society by time-traveling gray/reptiloid alien hybrids posing as renegade Jesuits, he has managed to maintain his outsider's perspective and an appetite for crunchy insects. Today, Vidicon is a world-class synchronicity surfer and an unlicensed quantum mechanic. He has a fourth-degree black belt in weird.
About his bi-weekly column:
Tales from the Third Lobe are the unfocused meanderings of the World's Smartest Moron. Topics range widely over the sciences, religion, philosophy, technology, modern culture, mysticism, Vidicon's personal history and viewpoints, and whatever pissed him off in the media last week.
View all articles by Laszlo Q. V. St-J. "Vidicon" Xalieri, 2HC Columnist...
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Close Shave Ahead?This is my last article for 2HC before the November 2, 2004 election.
Assuming you're one of the six registered voters that read my 2HC articles within twenty-four hours of them becoming available, you have eight days to decide whether you'll be voting for me to shave my head.
Here's the deal:
You flip your electoral coin. I have already decided whether "heads" or "tails" will require me to shave my head. When the coin lands and stops rattling around, I fire up the clippers on Inauguration Day. Or not. That's the scenario.
See, depending on whether a particular US presidential candidate is duly elected and survives inauguration, I will shave my head. But in order to keep this from unduly influencing your vote, I won't tell you which candidate's oath of office will trigger the shearing.
Stop asking. There will be no hints.
I understand that it's an aggregate coin flipped by a hundred million people. I understand that some of you will be cheating. In both directions. I understand that, from many viewpoints, I may have to "justly" or "unjustly" shave my head.
Why am I doing this? Let me tell you.
The outcome of the election will affect me one way or another. There's nothing I can do to prevent that. But I can minimize the impact by letting it get no deeper than the surface of my skull.
Because that's where the influence stops, regardless.
No matter who wins, I will still be who I am. I will still find it important to be vigilant and outspoken. I will still be a vocal proponent of civil liberties and human rights. I will still remain forward-thinking and forward-looking. I will still keep a long memory of the past.
I just might be bald for a bit.
I know that there are ramifications here that aren't under my control, too. Depending on who makes it to inauguration, I may feel more safe or less safe. More embarrassed for my country or less embarrassed. More hopeful or less hopeful for the unfolding of the near future. Et cetera. But no part of this outcome will change who I am or how I react to the sight of what I see as good things or bad things.
The worst it can do is superficially impact how I look in the eyes of the world at large, and I'll be shaving my head—or not—to emphasize that point.
And I don't care one way or another whether I shave my head. Not much, anyway. I might prefer to have hair on my head in the middle of January, but I can always wear a hat.
I do care who ends up being President—but that's ultimately not under my control. I've voiced my opinion. I've barked until my voice gave out. Now all I can do is visit the polling booth and do what I feel I gotta. The rest of it is up to you guys.
But whoever takes the oath in January, I'll deal.
What about you?
We've all suffered through four years of obnoxious crap, starting with Bush's first act in office—the giant step backwards in AIDS and conception prevention. We've spiraled through most of the circles of Hell from there. And yet, somehow, we've all made it to now.
[Not counting those of us who have been killed in action or died from environmental poisoning or an AIDS infection that a free condom might have prevented or hopelessness from unemployment or racially motivated violence against apparent Arabs or prevented advances in healthcare or from lack of insurance coverage or from domestic violence triggered by unwanted pregnancies or... You get the idea. But dead people aren't in my reading demographic, so who cares? You made it.
It's not so clear cut for me. Writers keep writing posthumously all the time. You'll just have to take my word for it.]
So odds are good we'll make it through another four years regardless, if possibly not exactly in comfort.
How do you plan to survive the next four years without letting it kill you? How will you keep the horror at the level of your scalp, but not below?
Who else wants to shave his/her head?
If nothing else, it'll keep you from ripping your hair out.
[*]
Vidicon has been the buddha, but the pay was lousy. |
