Tales From the Third Lobe - SELL OUT Hawk vs. Dove, with a side of Crude

About the author: Descended from old English money, Vidicon was raised by spiny echidnas in the mountainous rainforests of the North American Southeast. Lured back to society by time-traveling gray/reptiloid alien hybrids posing as renegade Jesuits, he has managed to maintain his outsider's perspective and an appetite for crunchy insects. Today, Vidicon is a world-class synchronicity surfer and an unlicensed quantum mechanic. He has a fourth-degree black belt in weird. About his bi-weekly column: Tales from the Third Lobe are the unfocused meanderings of the World's Smartest Moron. Topics range widely over the sciences, religion, philosophy, technology, modern culture, mysticism, Vidicon's personal history and viewpoints, and whatever pissed him off in the media last week. View all articles by Laszlo Q. V. St-J. "Vidicon" Xalieri, 2HC Columnist...

So here's what's good about the United States' foreign policy in the Middle East as perpetrated by the Bush Administration, the forward-thinking members of the Project for a New American Century, and the US-owned corporate oil and energy concerns. Much abused those people have been, and certainly much abused in this particular column.

For instance, I have personally called them war-mongering, power-mad, profit-hungry, science-blind, and fundamentally opposed to the continuation of the civil liberties that they exploited to get into the positions of power and authority that they now hold. I have also implied—if not outright stated—that they have opted to take a giant step backwards on domestic and global human rights concerns, including the endorsement of torture, imprisonment with no hope of legal due process, and of deliberately widening the gap between the haves and the have-nots—including worsening the lot of women and cultural minorities, who have pretty much always fallen into the have-not category.

Also, I have accused them of playing on the fears of the mindless masses and, quite inconsistently, of both manipulating and being manipulated by the Religious Right (with which I am not quite ready to make peace—so if they're looking for an apology too, they can keep on waitin').

Regardless, there is a point to our foreign policy stance with respect to the Middle East that may easily be worth the hundreds of thousands of lives (mostly theirs, not ours) and billions of dollars spent (mostly ours, not theirs), and that point is the long-term survival of the USA as a—if not the—superpower.

If you don't believe it's important for the USA to remain a superpower, then read a couple of baboon stories by Robert M. Sapolsky and learn what happens when those who used to rule the troop by claw and fang start to slide into old age. We can't afford to take any crippling hits until we've corrected the opinion of the world so that they see us more as a venerable adviser than the ex-boss who ruled by might.

And this means ensuring that the world remains dependent on oil, and making sure we have more of it than anyone else. And especially more of it than China.

Everyone always forgets China.

Let's cover some background. China, for holding nearly a quarter of the world's population, is largely pre-industrial. The population-base has been right at the leading edge of too large for their agricultural base to support, so population has been a problem. Since they have a government that is able to get away with such things, they have passed laws that limit the number of children that a family can have. And due to their cultural background, they have preferred to have male children instead of female children, and, statistically, have often taken (popularly seen as objectionable) actions to see that the males survived while the females did not.

So, twenty years later, they have a couple hundred million men of soldiering age who have no hope of ever finding a wife and settling down. Two words: Instant army.

Also, they are industrializing at an enormous rate—one of the symptoms of which is that China's demand for importing fossil fuels has jumped by 25% in recent years and is expected to increase more. Internal sociological pressures and increase in the demanded quality of living pretty much demand that they turn imperialist/expansionist (well, even more than they have been lately, if you consider Tibet and Nepal and Taiwan and Hong Kong) to keep from imploding like the Soviet Union did. That's a lot of externally oriented demand.

And fortunately for China, there are a metric assload of countries out there who have been depleting their male populations instead of building up a surplus....

Ugliness is brewing that has, on the surface, very little to do with the Middle East. Yet the Middle East is the key. Oil—and only as long as absolutely everyone is dependent on it—is the key.

See, if we let environmentalism and rising oil-price concerns let the alternative energy source cats out of the bag too soon, some of those techniques will make it to China, and there will be no containing them when they explode. So we have to bite the global warming bullet, probably only for another decade or two, until our strangle-hold on China's economic and probable military expansion is in place. That means having the US's corporate energy blocs suppressing alternative energy programs—and keeping their political buddies in office so that kind of thing is actually feasible.

And other than that, all we have to do is go capture all the oil so we can sit on it as the rest of the world runs out—even if we have to lie, cheat, and steal (and occasionally torture and murder) to get it. That used to be the CIA's job, but at least it's more out in the open now....

See, if we're the ones selling oil to China, then we can keep them largely in their bottle until their internal pressures damp down. We'll be able to contain and control their growth until their industrialization is complete and they make it to the fat and happy stage without actually having to invade anyone. Like, for instance, Japan. Taiwan is already a foregone conclusion—we've lost them—but we can probably stop China from hitting Japan.

Everyone wins in the long run except the environment, which can probably soak another twenty years' worth of damage—and anyone who stands between the US and the rest of the world's oil.

And should that strategy fail, we have our own instant army for the upcoming draft that will happen when China invades Japan. See, we have our own couple hundred million men and women in prison on petty drug offenses that may welcome a shot at freedom if they volunteer for a stint the Armed Services. Remember that we have a larger percentage of our own citizens in jail than any other country, keeping them largely safe from shooting each other on the streets and already used to a fairly disciplined life. Our own instant army, of nearly the same size as China's.

Plan and backup plan, all thanks to the much-maligned Bush Administration and their affiliated corporate oil and energy "weasels". Round of applause, anyone?

[*]

PS:

And before anyone digs up the fact that I received a box of Dove® bars from Paul Wolfowitz, I'll remind you that I am a pundit, an opinion-artist, and, at best, an entertainer. Journalistic standards are for hardworking journalists, who have to, well, work harder and go to school and shit.

[.]

Vidicon was the Buddha but the pay was lousy.

This column is part of our SELL OUT theme issue.  To see the other related articles, click here!