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About the author:
Descended from old English money, Vidicon was raised by spiny echidnas in the mountainous rainforests of the North American Southeast. Lured back to society by time-traveling gray/reptiloid alien hybrids posing as renegade Jesuits, he has managed to maintain his outsider's perspective and an appetite for crunchy insects. Today, Vidicon is a world-class synchronicity surfer and an unlicensed quantum mechanic. He has a fourth-degree black belt in weird.
About his bi-weekly column:
Tales from the Third Lobe are the unfocused meanderings of the World's Smartest Moron. Topics range widely over the sciences, religion, philosophy, technology, modern culture, mysticism, Vidicon's personal history and viewpoints, and whatever pissed him off in the media last week.
View all articles by Laszlo Q. V. St-J. "Vidicon" Xalieri, 2HC Columnist...
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No boom today. Boom tomorrow.
The attempt to blow up my car was disappointingly unsuccessful.
It wouldn't have been a great loss. My car, although slightly nifty in the way that a ninety-year-old pimp is slightly nifty, is basically totalled when the gas tank is empty. But hey, we were celebrating, and nothing goes better with expensive champagne than cheap store-bought amateur explosives, i.e., fireworks.
Who is "we" and what were we celebrating when the rocket took a hard right and slid underneath my old Cadillac? Well, let me tell you.
Since not enough of you have bought my novel, I have a day job, and "we" is the collective pronoun representing the set of people who work at the same company I do. "We" make money by leeching off of the bloated bureacracy-riddled healthcare industry, who, collectively, are basically ordered to buy our products by the bureaucracy-riddled Ferral Gummint. Today the company changed hands, and all of us felt the urge to spend some clock-time drinkin' and blowin' shit up by way of marking the passage.
What were we thinking? We were thinking, "Gee, there certainly was a lot of room for improvement in the way things were previously done, and we hope we're all still around to enjoy the likely improvements, which we also hope won't include ties and/or panty-hose. Or being fired for drinking and/or trying to blow up old pimp-mobiles on the clock." Also, we were thinking, "Holy shit! A rocket just went under Laszlo's car and blew up!"
But the car failed to explode.
And you know what? That's probably the ruling omen here. So much bad stuff could happen in this merger/acquisition, stuff that could give us years worth of griping to our buddies over beers, and I think we're most afraid of having absolutely nothing happen to make this the least bit interesting. No boom.
At least no boom today. Maybe boom tomorrow.
It's always no boom today, boom tomorrow. Which is why the long-awaited, long-expected boom always catches us by surprise when it finally arrives.
Reminds me of the Reagan administration. But that's another story.
Well, maybe it isn't. The end of the world as we know it has always been just around the corner. Mutual Assured Destruction is not a deterrent when people aren't afraid to die. "Just get it over with," they say. "Aren't we supposed to win Armageddon anyway?"
Kinda depends on your definition of "we", but sure. Sure. There's probably some extended definition of "we" that includes us, individually, now, that quite possibly when the shit goes down might not quite include us then. Just like there are some of us right now, swilling Dom Perignon out of plastic glasses, smokin' 'em if we got 'em, trying to blow up my car, who, a little bit down the road, will experience their own personal boom that cuts them out of the pack.
A hundred years ago, the "we" was Americans. Coasting up to the middle of the last century, the "we" cut out any Americans who might have had Communist leanings. Drifting on, "we" no longer includes people who do drugs that aren't on the approved list, especially if they aren't white. "We" is rapidly shrinking now, squeezing out people who aren't hardcore Republicans, aren't wealthy, have any color to their skin at all (although Asians and Blacks aren't getting more than the top couple of inches of the shaft), and who aren't Christians. I mean, aren't Protestants. Because the definition of Christian seems to be shrinking, too.
But that's okay. No boom today. "We" versus "they" makes no goddamn difference if there's no boom today, right?
Sure. No boom today, but maybe boom tomorrow.
Tomorrow, when the boom happens, will I be a "we" or a "they"? How about you? How about the right bastard who just launched an amateur rocket attack on my car? How about the Lutherans and Quakers? The Amish?
Those damn Amish. They're just getting what's coming to them. Nuclear fallout is exactly what they deserve. And the Quakers? Fucking pacifists. Just wait until the War On Pacifism, you sissy bastards.
But for now drink your Dom Perignon.
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Vidicon needs a more flammable pimp-mobile. |
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Pages: 1 of 1 No boom today. Boom tomorrow.
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